D.

Danny,

Maybe you’re right. Maybe we weren’t made for each other and maybe we did try forcing something that just was never meant to be. I’m sorry things have gone the way they did. I am so very sorry for what I did, and I know I’ll never be able to take your pain away or make you forget what I have done. I wish I could. The only thing I could do was show you how sorry I am and show you how much I really love you. I know you don’t believe it, and you probably never will. I was hurt badly by the one person I loved and cared for the most and I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I obviously handled it very wrong. I never in a million years thought that I would be the person to do that terrible act. But I did. And all I can say is I’m sorry. I can’t take it back. I’ve never lived my life with regrets until now. I can honestly say I will be carrying this on my shoulders for the rest of my life. I’ve paid my dues Danny. I don’t deserve how you have been treating me as of lately. I know you are extremely hurt and this is how you are venting your pain and anger towards me. I get it. I understand. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. Even if we weren’t meant to be together, you still were my best friend. And I still love you much, which is why this hurts even worse. I am so sorry I did this to you Danny, I really am. I wish I could have handled my hurt and pain differently. I hope that one day, even if we don’t know each other on that day, you’ll forgive me. I know it’s hard to believe based on my actions, but I did love you, I do love you and will always love you. I thought you were the one. I thought we were finally doing something right and it hurts so much that all of this has come crashing down in a blink of an eye. 

I hope you find the one you’re looking for. Please don’t distrust her because of my actions. That’s not fair to her. But promise me one thing. Promise me that you’ll look at her heart and not just her external shell. I want the best for you more than anything in the world. You deserve it. I know you have been through hell your whole life Danny, and you don’t deserve any more pain and suffering. I’m sorry I created part of that pain. I hope that you can heal and start fresh. I love you so much and I hope one day you will believe that.

-k

 

Image

It’s official.

Chip Kelly is officially the new coach for the Eagles.

R.I.P. Oregon’s winning streak.

 

😦

k.

My, my, my.

Oh, you’ve done it again little heart.

Why are you always in such a pickle?

 

k.

Ironic.

Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to drive off a cliff. And then I have to laugh at the lack of cliffs in this town.

What hurts the most, was being so close.

I can’t even begin to explain how hurt and confused I am. More or less, I’m just shell-shocked because this came out of nowhere. I tried fixing it and he didn’t want me to fix it. He didn’t want me. He just wanted to push me away, but instead he shoved me down and kicked me repeatedly. I’m hurt beyond all belief. I lost someone who I thought was truly an amazing friend, but I guess I was proved wrong, yet again. I should feel angry but I really just feel empty. I love him and I don’t know how else to show it or tell him that.

</3

k

Crash. Boom. Splat.

Just when I thought I was finally starting to heal my heart, he takes a hammer and shatters the shit out of it.

So awesome.

</3

k.

I’m all in.

Man. I just need to write.

I’ve been home for only nine days and I already need to go back to North Dakota. I’m taking the absence of Pretty Boy a lot harder than I thought I would be by now. There’s not a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought of him. We have already come up with a plan to get my ass back to North Dakota, I just need to find a job, or at the very least an internship. I’ll admit, I’m a bit apprehensive of going back out there to live again. There’s always the situation where he finds a girl that he would like to pursue, and I am just a giant cock block in the road. And the other situation where he might leave for Afghanistan in a year and a half and leave me behind.

It kind of reminds me of one of my infamous soul-searching drives I took tonight.

It was pitch black, going up and down on curvy roads. I doing the speed limit (45), but I felt that at times the road was so curvy to the point where if I actually did 45, I wouldn’t have enough time to slam on my brakes if something were to pop up around the corner, like a deer or a car accident.

Life is kind of like my drive was. You just have to keep going, even though you don’t know what is around the corner. You can’t always be prepared for something, you just have to go out there and take a risk. You have to be willing to stick your nose out every once in a while.

So, as much as I’d like to say I’m prepared to go back to ND, and how much I love being with Pretty Boy, there are still reservations in the back of my mind.

I think it’s time to turn my mind off, and start listening to what my heart wants. I’m going to take a risk.

k.

Mama, I’m coming home.

I’m leaving North Dakota in 4 days. It’s definitely a bittersweet feeling. I’m going to miss pretty boy more than he will ever know. I’m going to be gone and will only be able to wonder what girl he is hooking up with and if he ever thinks about me anymore. That’s why it’s going to be a good thing for me to go home. Until I get over him, I’m going to be wondering 24/7 about the girls he interacts with. God that makes me sound like a jealous psycho. I can’t help it though. I’ve never wanted someone this bad in my entire life, and I can’t have him. Why would I want anyone else to have him either? But I know that whoever she turns out to be is going to be the luckiest girl in the entire world. Damn future pretty boy’s wife. Damn her!!! *whew* Okay. Back to reality.  I think home will be a good distraction for me that will help me get over him. It’s not going to be easy, and it’s still going to hurt. But I can’t keep going through life living it miserably every time I get rejected. I just won’t put myself out there ever again. The wounds hurt way too much to be opening them up again. I need time to heal.

I have to keep telling myself that this is for the best. That if I stay, I’ll only mess his life up even worse and only be a burden on him. That I’m just a cockblock for what he truly wants, and I’m just in the way. I need to leave. This is for the best.

This is good.

 

Man. I suck at lying to myself.

 

k.

Hurt.

I’m crying because I’m hurt.
I’m crying because I was rejected.
I’m crying because I’m not good enough for you.
I’m crying because I only have five days left with you.
I’m crying because you don’t look at me like you look at them.
I’m crying because there will be others.
I’m crying because those others won’t love you like I do.

I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you.

k

It’s a dog eat dog world.

The following is MY opinion. If you agree or disagree, feel free to comment and we can discuss further from there. Just keep it civil.

Another shooting recently occurred. This time it was at The Dark Knight Rises movie premiere in Colorado. I have noticed after any shooting, there will always be people claiming that guns should be banned and destroyed and cease existing. I strongly disagree.

What will happen if guns are banned? 2 things:

1. Guns and other weaponry will ALWAYS be accessible, even if they are banned. If you want something badly enough, you will get it. But how will someone get a hold of guns if they are banned, you ask? Believe it or not, there is always a way around the system. In this day and age, it is possible to get anything you want.

2. So, someone worked their way around the system, and they decided to go on a shooting rampage. Guess what? You don’t have a weapon to protect yourself. Don’t you feel stupid?

The saying goes, “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people”. I can’t stress the veracity of this statement enough. Guns are dangerous, but with the proper training they can be used as self protection. There is always going to be some sort of sick individual having life troubles and deciding to take out their frustrations by shooting people. Would you rather have a concealed weapon on you that is there for protection? Or would you rather try to face bullets flying at you with no weapon at all?

Another problem society has, is ignoring the troubled individuals. Granted, there won’t always be warning signs. For example, not many people knew James Holmes, the shooter at the movie premiere. His own mother knew the police “got the right person” when they called her about the shooting. She obviously saw a few warning signs- why didn’t she notify the proper authority before something like this happened? I know it may be hard to grasp the concept that your own flesh and blood might be disturbed or even dangerous, but without getting help, others may lose their lives because of ignorance. Troubled individuals are hard books to read. They may act out, they may not. You never know. You can never be too careful.

Dr. Park Dietz, M.D., P.H.D., identified a few warning signs of a mass murderer. Securityinfowatch.com interviewed Dr. Dietz..

SIW: What is the psychological profile of someone who’s willing to carry out a mass shooting?

Dietz: The real issues with mass murderers is that all of them are both sad and depressed enough to be willing to die and also angry or paranoid enough that they are blaming other people for their suffering and misfortune. Those are two of the critical ingredients, there has never been a mass murderer, acting alone, who didn’t have both of those (characteristics) in mass murders against strangers where mass murder is defined as three or more people dead in one incident for psychological reasons.

Are there any warning signs that a person maybe getting ready to commit an atrocity such as this?

Dietz: There are always countless warning signs observed by nearly everyone who has had contact with the person and often for years. Unfortunately, those warning signs are not very specific and so they apply to many people who will never be violent toward anyone but themselves and they apply to many people for short term reasons that will go away. In order to be able to catch in your net, everyone who will do a mass murder, you need to err on the side of catching hundreds or thousands of people with similar behaviors who will never commit a mass murder no matter what you do. When prediction suffers form that problem, it is necessary to be very thoughtful about what you do to the false positives who you identify as having some of the warning signs. This is easy to prevent among employees or students on a campus or patients in hospital, and very difficult to prevent in society at large under our system of law.

I propose that instead of worrying about gun laws and banning guns, we need to start looking for warning signs of those trouble individuals. If you do happen to spot someone that is acting a little strange, call the local police station and talk to someone that can help you. It’s better to call someone in and be wrong about them, then to ignore them and find out months later that they really were troubled and went on to kill people.

We need to stop worrying about the dangers of guns, and start protecting ourselves.

 

The full article with Dr. Dietz can be found here.

Like I said before, this post is merely just my opinion. I encourage different views and other opinions just as much. If you have a pulse, I’m sure you have an opinion. Feel free to comment.

 

Tagged , , ,